Tomorrow, August 31st, 2015, will be the one year anniversary since my mom passed away. For the most part I think I’m doing pretty darn good but sometimes I’m not so sure. I think that’s okay, that it’s all part of the grieving process.
Though lately I’ve been feeling kind of weird. I’m assuming it’s because of tomorrow but I don’t know.
I’ve felt hyper-sensitive, for lack of a better term, for awhile and I don’t mean like you look at me and I fall apart in tears (okay, one day that DID happen but it’s all good). I mean, for example, in terms of taking a walk and smelling the air and seeing the butterflies and dragonflies lead me on the walking path, and soaking in EVERYTHING around me – colors, textures, sounds, light, air, movement – and feeling like I’m a little to the left of myself and everything feels so exaggerated! It doesn’t feel bad, quite the opposite, but I can’t put an exact word to what it DOES feel like. It’s happened a number of times over the last week or so. It’s happened on the bus, the train, just sitting at my desk in the office, standing in the dining room, walking through the park.
I don’t understand the feelings and I don’t know what to do about them or what I can do about them. Or if I even need to do anything about them at all.
My first husband passed away in early 2010 and while I grieved for him immensely and still think of him frequently, I don’t recall feeling like this when it was coming up on his anniversary. Maybe because we had a little over a year to get used to the idea that he’d be gone and that he knew who I was, even up to the end. And we had many conversations prior to his passing.
With my mom, she didn’t know who we all were the last few months. I strongly feel that she knew we were ‘safe’ and we wouldn’t harm her in any way. She would also get this glint in her eye or make a gesture or say a word that would make you think she’s all there because it was familiar and clear and HER and you thought ‘oh, there she is!’ and then it would pass. And you would keep your smile on your face and still love her because how could you not?
Perhaps what’s happening is that my mom is her angel self and staying near me right now knowing how much I miss her and how much I love her and how much I need her and she’s there to comfort me. I know, I know, everyone says their loved one who passed was the nicest person ever, etc. But you know what? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, she was that person. And there aren’t many of them, let me tell you. They’re quite rare, indeed.
There are people who don’t believe that could be possible, no one can be that nice or that good. But I firmly believe that it’s true. I grew up with an angel. She was my mom. So I think I know what I’ll do. I’ll let these feelings wash over me and just be. Because what I’ve been feeling lately must be an angel nearby, a guardian angel. My mom.
I was going to end this saying to my mom I pray she rests in peace. But you know what? I’m not going to. She’s already at peace.
Instead I say this to my guardian angel, my mom:
I want you to dance!
I want you to sing!
I want you to love the life you have in heaven!
I want you to bask in your happiness!
And I will revel in the memories I have with you!
I love you, mommy, with all my heart and soul!
Patty with her golden hair, in and out of everywhere.
What she does is many things from reading books to making rings.
She reads day in and day out, this what Patty’s future is all about.
She loves all kinds of books, from mysteries to books of jokes.
Patty is lovable in her way, she tries to show it every day.
Sometimes she is happy and then she is sad.
But when her mood is good, everyone is glad.
Written by: My mom (a little something my mom wrote when I was about 10 years old)